He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
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he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
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I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
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