I haven't been this sober since birth.
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
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