I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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