I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
Randomize
