WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
Randomize
