All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
We need to rekindle our bromance
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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