are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
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