ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
Randomize
