Lost. The hour! Funtime!!!!
I showed him my bush... on skype.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
