She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Randomize
