So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
So my shaver died while I was trimming...ya know. And now it is half way done. I don't think there's currently any aesthetic in keeping it this way...
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Randomize
