Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
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