Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
my god I love twenty year old dicks
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
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