ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
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