She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
