its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
