You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
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