ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Randomize
