I love black thongs
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
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