Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
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