The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
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