I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
