using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Randomize
