I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I'm like, not good at living.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
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