By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
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