Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
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