did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
