can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize
