dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
