you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Panties = found
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
