you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize
