I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
