Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
Ive seen teh same guy pissing in the corner. Twice. Its eally weird. My frieds gonna do th funnel. Im so excited for her! Love, cori. Cuz its lik a diary.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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