We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
I just threw up on my dentist
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
