Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Randomize
