Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
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