The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
The air was thick with penises
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
