i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
