you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Randomize
