I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Randomize
