I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
