And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Randomize
