i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
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