i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Randomize
