I'm jealous of your bromance
Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Randomize
