Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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