Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
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