Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
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And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
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