he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
How's work?
Spinning.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
i drank out of a bidet.
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
Randomize
