you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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