He uses pillows to masturbate.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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