She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Randomize
