well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
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Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
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He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
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