new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
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Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
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