Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
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I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
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I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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