Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
