im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
