you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize
