my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
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