She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Randomize
