I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
That's how pantless uber rides happen
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
