This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Randomize
