Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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