So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize
